That said, damn condoms are annoying.  Honestly, if I could, I would get the male pill/shot.  I don’t need the fallopian swim team for a while and I would like to know beyond a doubt that, should the condom fail, the world will not have any mini-me’s running around helter skelter.  So on to the story.

Laura and I have a history.  We got really close back in sophomore year, had a little thing but then I drunkenly hooked up with a mutual friend and handled the aftermath poorly.  Despite the ensuing silent treatment and excommunication by her friends, Laura and I maintained a relationship both elicit and explicit.  It was the definition of wishful thinking.

Late nights of sexy chatting and texting, sometimes even phone calls kept a constant strain of sexual tension pulling at both of us.  You could feel it at times.  Junior year saw me dating my ex from HS and giving up the opportunity to have something real with Laura – another mistake that I regret.  Still the texts, chats, and calls continue after Katie and I split.

Senior year was an on and off hookup without sex but damn it was fun to fool around with her.  She has the most intense and adamant kiss I’ve ever had.  It’s like she has a primal urge that just GOES when she kisses you.

After graduation, this fall, Laura came north to Boston to visit friends and spent a night at my place.  I blew off a volunteering gig and took a sick day to spend time with her.  Sunday night we hooked up and got all the way to sex but held off.  Side note – she has the most intense orgasms I’ve seen in a girl so far. 

Back to the story… we play and have fun and sleep in Monday morning.  Then it happens.  Some gentle foreplay lights the fire and game on.  Fun, good, enjoyable sex that made me forget the normal worries that run through my head right about then (see the mini-me comment above).  She was on top and it was getting rough when we were coming to the climax.  Let me just say that generally speaking, this is when I will check to make sure the condom is still securely attached etc… that didn’t happen because next thing I know we’re panting laying still – I go to clean up the condom and it’s not there… like no esta.  I check the bed, and then Laura finds it still inside…. ripped up the side.

Another point of clarification.  I keep these condoms in my dresser, out of direct sunlight and extreme temps.  I also check the expiration regularly etc.  They were fine… needless to say this one wasn’t fine since it epically failed and now Laura was in full freak-out mode.  She was angry, upset, scared, and regretted all the fun we’d had over the weekend… not a good situation at all.  The afternoon ended with us walking to CVS to get Plan B (FYI – Walgreens requires a prescription to get it) (I paid) and then I saw her off to NY.

We didn’t talk for a long while – she wanted space and I understood to an extent.  But let’s consider the facts. I had done due diligence to insure that the condoms were in good working order, I had done everything right except to interrupt our romp to double check the latex sheath yet I was getting ass end of a very angry person.  It’s only been recently that we’ve talked or texted at all. 

To all the young men out there – double check your condom before you finish… mini-me is only funny with Dr. Evil on the silver screen.

Maybe you might check yourself and stop trying to push me one way or another.  Not 10 minutes after I talked with you, Auntie W called me to remind me that her door is always open etc etc etc.  So, somewhere in your infinite wisdom, you thought that I didn’t feel welcome at her house or otherwise didn’t want to go there and then decided to go further and communicate the same.

Please stop.

I care more about family than most people my age and there are plans ready to get more active with the family in MA.  However, right now is not the time so please don’t push me, I don’t like being put in a box – I actively rebel against it even if you’re right.  You’ve known this for years and it’s a side effect of your constant "do the right thing" – I know what the right thing is but if you keep pushing me, I’m going to do the wrong thing just to piss you off.

Moral of the story – don’t go behind peoples backs and play games.  If you think you shouldn’t be saying something, you probably shouldn’t.  I’m better at reading people than you are and I gathered the same picture of your sister that you laid out minus the Tom stuff.

Love,
BLJ

It started when we realized that her delegation was from UNH – we were both presidents, both on the same councils etc. We had been talking before and finally met in person. Well things got started and drinking happened and dancing happened. She was a fun dancer – immediately spun around and started to grind – much like the song Darling Nicky. I was drunk, turned on, and interested (the trifecta as it were) and so I let the scenario play out.

Things got close but no cigar as her UNH brothers cock blocked like whoa and brought her back to the room they all had reserved. For now, the game was over and we didn’t talk for a long while… at least until summer hit. More precisely, it was after I finished Atlas Shrugged – a liberty book by all accounts. Maria got insanely interested in me and this new-found information that I may be on the liberty bandwagon (she’s the wagon master apparently).

One thing lead to another and a little romance and a lot of sex followed late-night conversations and many flirtatious emails and photos. It was fun, it happened fast, and I had a blast (rhyme!). We seemed to really enjoy each other until it stopped. Suddenly.

Maria, despite the great sex and fun times, lost interest in me. True, she was over committed back at UNH and had very little time, but I wasn’t how she wanted to spend that time. So we broke it off and didn’t talk for a long while – not sure whether it was because she was busy, I didn’t have anything to say to her, she was with someone else, or if I didn’t want to admit that I was hurt.

It’s funny to think that after the crazy relationships that I have had, from codependency, to self injury, Jewish to Catholic, Democrat Nazi to liberty tree – this one girl was still able to make me question myself. I thought I was fine and moved on and everything up until last week. Maria IM’d me over the weekend – she was in northern NH… with her new boyfriend. This sucked but sucked infinitely more when I realized they were doing the same trip that I had planned… great.

So here’s to all you heartbreakers out there – screw you. UNH is for lovers!

-BLJ

I think it has something to do with the fact that they know they’re hot and at the same time are trying to act older. To men, this translates into someone that wants to be had – something men like. Being that their age puts them in a precarious legal situation makes the scenario doubly appealing since we know that men want that which they cannot have.

So now, in the mix, we have hot girls that are young and trying to be older – wanting to be wanted – combined with the forbidden fruit complex that every man seems to suffer from, and you’ve got yourself one big issue. Here comes the confession: I had a thing for my friend’s sister. Ew.

It was less than lust and certainly short of a crush but it was a fun thing to play with the forbidden fruit (play with, in the mental sense… not actually DO anything). I’m not proud. I’m not ashamed. She is a very attractive girl and there would be possibilities if she wasn’t my buddy’s sister… and if she wasn’t a minor. In my defense, she doesn’t act her age L

Oh well. The first step to recovering is admitting you have an issue – I was tempted by the JB, Jailbait. What has been the worse situation for you, guys and girls? Have you ever thought about someone in less than platonic senses only to find out they were underage?

-BLJ

We’ve already talked about the why’s and wherefores of drinking while at a company function. So hear me again – DON’T. Grab one beer that you hate (so you nurse it) and sip it all night. DO NOT BE THE DRUNK ONE. It’s one thing if you’re out on a weekend with your friends or even your peers from work but don’t get shitty while at a training or something like that. It’s just stupid.

Since that fateful day at the end of July, I’ve been completely sober and nearly completely dry. Tastes have changed. Desires have changed. The automatic response to hard liquor has not changed. It is with great care and forethought that I consume alcohol at this point. Generally speaking I will only have one beer a night. If I have more than one beer, I only let myself have one of whatever beer I am drinking (to discourage the whole 6-pack pound) and limit myself to two a day.

One side effect of going dry is that I’m saving a ton of money. A beer costs about $5 on the low end. Usually I would go out for about 2-3 hours. In that time I will have consumed 3-5 beers so conservatively, I would have spent $25 on booze. Add food, cover, a mixed drink, or a cab ride and you’re out of $30, $40, $50 dollars. I don’t like clubs or bars much either so this is an excuse that is congruent with my lifestyle for sure. I’m saving money and every dollar of that is going to pay off the flood damage. I suck.

So not drinking has become an issue with friends. Since I’m not drinking, I’m finding less and less reasons to go to bars and clubs. This cuts down on the social time that I have available. It’s interesting to see who you don’t really see anymore when alcohol is taken out of the question. Social Fauxpaux? Probably.

What do you think? Should I start drinking again? Is this the silliest idea ever? Should I give up alcohol all together?

-BLJ

Alas, I digress.

I think it’s funny how the client and The Man’s computer whizzes try to disrupt The Force (not a nickname… this is a Star Wars reference). They lock down our computers all day long but then give us administrator access. They threaten to monitor our machines but nothing happens despite non-compliance. The only thing that has really gotten through to me is that the client’s skills are better than The Man’s.

The client was successful in blocking me from accessing my computer at home. This is an inconvenience that I could not stand for. Therefore, I found a way around it… THROUGH MY IPHONE! Wtf. LogMeIn Ignition is the most expensive App I’ve ever bought but also epically capable of remotely controlling my laptop from my iphone over 3G connections. WIN!

The newest issue that I have with their system is that they give us more access than we need and then audits the crap out of us saying we are non-complaint for the smallest of things, such as a windows patch that was required by the client’s network in order for us to do our jobs!

Corporate IT… you bloody Binary Tree Huggers! You have not heard the last of me.

-BLJ

Leading up to this moment has been the interesting part.  After orientation, I had sent out thank you emails to our presenters trying to connect and network my way into a role.  Well, I did that pretty well because on the second Monday of the job, I was staffed with a large hospital in Boston.  The project sounded excited and amazing. 

I was wrong.

The new routine was just that, routine.  I didn’t seem to have much going on in my life other than getting up in the morning and going to work until late and coming home.  Slowly I started getting to know people and felt more comfortable speaking up when I thought I could contribute.  This was also wrong.  I found that people did not appreciate the new guy making suggestions when he doesn’t understand the FULL picture (e.g. two years of background).

More time passes at this client and I become less and less sure that this is the place for me.  I’ve also managed to fill my non-working hours with enough stuff to fill up two different Google Calendars ICK.

-BlJ

Is this Karma? I bet the camping trip was the same deal. What the hell. Women suck.

To answer the age old question, and as a lumberjack I am eminently qualified to answer this question, we (men) are still wrong when we’re alone in the woods without a woman for miles around. Dammit.

-BLJ

While most of my colleagues were hurting pretty badly from Friday night/Saturday morning antics, I was feeling quite chipper and alert given that I took an early night to recover from the aftermath of my Thursday Night Flood.  Despite my “ready to go” attitude and high spirits, the day was not going to be all roses.  The director for the entire school decided that she wanted to talk about the situation with the rooms now swimming in water.  I had my proverbial ass handed to me and at this point I had no idea whether I was going to be fired or not.  Neither did she.  Shit.

After getting past that little formality, it was back to work and work I did.  Our team, in the face of hangovers and sickness, demolished the competition and completed our tasks in record time.  We got out of class early and get ready for the hour’s ride into the city… BY LIMO! Let’s just take a moment to acknowledge that before this trip, I had never been in a limo except for funerals.  Cha-ching!

When we hit Chicago, it was like a movie where the main character arrives someplace new and does the slow 360 spin and sees all these notable sites like the Sears tower, the Chicago Trading Board building, and other memorable sights. 

Next was the covert operation of getting into the hotel.  We were packing 6 people into the hotel room meant for one or two and we only had two key cards and oh yeah, the elevator was key card coded – damn.  We were slick and made it work the best we could and settled in.  Just before we were ready to venture out for a walk to the tower and such, Smoot made her most famous theatrical performance.  

The tower had a 3 hour wait which we were not going to deal with.  That would have been ridiculous.  So, instead, we went touring around the city.  Walked through periodic rain to get to the lakefront (yeah, Chicago has a coastline that looks like an ocean minus the salty scents and seaweed).  We walked through the park where Obama gave speeches.  We toured the bean.  We saw so many places that I had only glimpsed in movies or on the internet – it was really cool.

All the walking worked up our appetite though – it was time for Pizza!!  The most amazing, richest, tasty, satisfying pizza ever was had by all.  To kick it up a notch, my favorite, Jenn, was coming to meet me and tour me around the city that night – what fun!

The rest of the night was laughs and smiles, fireworks and minigolf, flying chairs, and a beautifully lit night tour of the city that Jenn loves so much.  It was amazing to see her in her element and also see what I was missing out on by not living there.  What a good night.

Our last day in the city was topped off by pregaming a White Sox game (subsequently watching said game) and a nap filled ride back to Battle School.  Such an EPIC weekend!

Back to the lodge now.

-BLJ

Ahhh… Finally stretching out these fingers to flesh out the stories that I haven’t really been able to or had the motivation to finally get out.  However, I think that writing, even if it is under a pseudonym, helps me deal with the world around me.  Maybe it’s the fact that I process the information one last time so the mind can settle it once and for all, maybe it’s part of something larger than that – I don’t know.

When we started working for The Man, the other Launchies and I were here in Boston for hours of training about corporate culture, values, computer programming, networking, and the like.  But if that wasn’t enough, The Man shipped us out to Chicago for a couple weeks (Remember My Flood and Smoot’s Meltdown ?).  I never really took the time to talk about the really cool parts of that school.

It is great to be treated like an adult – All through Battle School, the instructors told us what needed to be done and basically let us do it.  Yes, we could go out every night to the on-campus bar and get sloshed… just make sure you’re ready for class at 8am the next morning.  Over and over we were given the responsibilities of consultants, managers, senior executives and more while role-playing through simulated client meetings.  We designed presentations, took minutes and built programs all in a simulated project environment.  It was really cool.  Part of the attitude may have come from that fact that we had all ages there.  American consultants go to Battle School as soon as they are hired but our international counterparts (who made up 70% of the school) usually had to put in 6 months – 2 years in before they were brought to the US school.

Part of having international students in your school is dealing with the language barrier.  That was fun but what was more fun were those people that didn’t have a language barrier, like Shelley.  Shelley was a second year analyst from South Africa and she was in my section and on my team.  She was intelligent, quirky, and very nice to look at.  The night of the first day, I met Shelley at the school pub for a drink and we hit it off great.  Everything was smooth sailing and I thought it would be  “good night” as it were… until she pulled out her cigarettes.  Game. Set. Match.  I was done… but my friends didn’t know that. For the next week or so they continued to think that we had slept together that night.  I never said no, but I also definitely didn’t say no.  That was amusing, perhaps it was part of the training… maybe the only interesting part.

The training was more boring than culturing bacteria.  Sorry Man.  Your Battle School Sucks.  The classes were shitty, boring, poorly delivered, and most of use cruised Facebook and instant messages while acing your curriculum.  You’ve built the entire school so that the Americans socialize your international employees while making those of us that care want to shoot ourselves.  Good job.

On the plus side, we got paid for a trip to Chicago.  I got to see Jenn.  And had some amazing Chicago style pizza – YUM!

Back to the woods I go

-BLJ

Do you know anyone that smiles a lot, is really nervous, doesn’t seem to understand what the real world is like?  How about someone that talks quietly and mumbles a lot?  What about someone that has been given everything they could ask for in their life and never had to work for something?  Oh yeah, and that person has truly poor people skills to the point of dysfunction?

THAT’S SMOOT!

This past week of training has been very typical of Smoot, quiet and reserved.  She puts on the nervous smile face that had our manager asking me whether she had a thing for him or if she was just… altered.  Anyways, we made a trip into Chicago proper for the weekend and her true colors come out.

When planning for the trip, Smoot had requested that she get a slot on a bed because she didn’t want to sleep on the floor.  This was fine etc.  We were in the room at the hotel getting ready to head out to the Sear’s tower when someone made  a joke about her not getting a bed slot if she comes back from clubbing at 4am (she was leaving our group to hang out with Italians etc and go clubbing while we went to some pubs etc).  This triggered the biggest hissy-fit I’ve seen since we were in elementary school.  It started with ragged breathing.  Add some tears and whimpering.  Cue the all out balling and broken speech about going to get a new room so she can have bed space.  This, my friends, was epic.

I’ve never seen a grown woman (22+) break down like a little girl at a simple little joke about sleeping on a bed!  Maybe, if she were a refugee or had some sort of history of persecution that triggered a flashback, I could understand.  This girl just has a super Princess complex of epic proportions.

Men, let this be a lesson – if your woman exhibits the Smoot Syndrome, HARVEST THAT FOREST AND CLEAR CUT!

Cheers – BLJ

Apparently, I didn’t get out of the shower for a few hours – that isn’t fine.

I flooded 3 rooms by passing out in the shower and blocking the water from draining from the shower.  Holy shit how stupid is that?  The security guards roused me from my stupor and moved me to another room after having me clean up my stuff.  Other than a horrible hangover the next day, I didn’t expect – or hoped rather – much to come from it.

Today, I found out that flooding 3 rooms at this particular location is worth about $5,000 in damage. FUCK ME.  I have no idea how I’m going to pay for this.  That said, once I get the damage paid off and my feet back under me, this will be a great story to tell people.  Until then, it’s going to suck for me greatly.

Severely screwed – BLJ

I found out this past weekend why we don’t do family reunions… because we’re a really really really weird family.  WTF.  Mom and CIO were all about putting on a clan gathering for Mom’s side of the family a mere two weeks after the huge party for Gramps and Bunnie.  Outside of the family issues, I was definitely the errand boy… AGAIN spending my Saturday morning running around getting all the things my mom forgot/waited for me to get for her.

That bit aside, my family is jacked up!  Everyone is super type A, controlling, and everyone wants to be top dog.  People are bragging about their kids, measuring the proverbial penises with jobs and fortune.  All the while, I’m pretty sure that someone was running around with a crack pipe because there were 3 separate rumors around the same thing swirling about the cornhole and croquet fields.

BAH! This is not how I wanted to spend the weekend before heading to Battle School.  FUCK MY LIFE.  Well, in reality there was good food (free) and such but really, I could have gone for a whole lot more relaxing and a lot less being the bitch, especially when I was burning my own gas lol.  GAH – I have to write about being in Chicago/Battle School too since I’m here now but that will be another story – hopefully less complaining and more fun lol!

LOVE – BLJ

This family is so strange.  I know that they expect a lot from CIO because he’s been successful and all that but how much can you expect from my mom?  Bunnie was nearly in tears when she thought that there wouldn’t be a layered cake (wedding style)?!  Add on top of that that they couldn’t understand why there was an “end time” to the party… well maybe they don’t remember the last time there was a family gathering at our house.

One of Bunnies relatives… our relatives (old) apparently jumped a younger relative (who is engaged, and his bride to be was there) at our house… in our office… where I used to study… ew.  Anyways, let’s say that the fiance walked in and was NOT happy.  And this is why the party has an end time, Bunnie… your family is a bunch of alcoholics (including you missy) and no one wants to deal with them! Oh by the way, they aren’t welcome to stay in our house either…

Argh.

On one hand, it is nice that people can stay together… even if they are as fucked up and crazy as Bunnie.  Gramps used to be really hard on me but these days we’ve been hitting it off really well… it’s been nice.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, they give me hope.  After the last two woman fails of mine, I’m starting to wonder whether I can make something happen for a year let alone 50… some day… maybe… hopefully?

LOVE – BLJ

That’s the moral of today’s discussion.  Earlier this week was the strange night with Sweden but now it’s back to good old girl tricks and this casanova dislikes it.  Let me be clear, I’m sure that I had a role in the way this whole situation played out.  That said, let’s also get down that this is a great example of girls behaving badly.

Jersey was set to come up to Boston this weekend and visit with me and some other friends.  We had been talking about it for weeks now, not all the talk was so polite.  Indeed, there was a LARGE amount of flirting from both sides.  We talked about what it would be like to get together etc. and everything seemed great.

WRONG.

Last night, Friday, I met up with Jersey and Prez (President of an organization I was/am affiliated – not lumberjack stuff).  We were looking for some fun and hit up an asian noodle eatery around school and then launched our asses up towards Salem.  It was a great ride minus the fact that Garmin the GPS… WAS SUCKING ASS and took us the longest way possible.  We were trying to get to Rita’s Italian Ice in the town and arrived amid ghost tours and such only to find that the place had closed mere minutes before.

Let’s not that the flirting had continued to full force and had escalated to physical flirting etc.  Now we were able to make it even better by convincing the store owner to feed us since we had come all the way from Boston just for them – great success.  We went back to Prez’s place where Jersey was supposed to be staying and played around watching tv, cuddling, flirting hardcore etc etc.  Fast forward to 1am, I’m leaving, Jersey walks me to the door and I go in for the goodnight kiss but get the hug with a proviso – she was going to come to my place in the morning and fool around… should have known right then.

SHE FLAKED.  Did I mention women suck??

Apparently, despite all the run up and plans we had made, it was way more fun to sleep in at Prez’s and have brunch etc and totally forget that we had plans.  Scratched off the list… BLAH!  I’m not really sure how I’m going forward with this but I am definitely not ok with it.  I skipped out on this afternoons plans for a little rugby with Zoomie and friends… I hope there are better days to come.  Battle School ought to be better, right?

Background – Sweden and I have known each other for a little over a year now.  We have taken classes together, gotten close talking and such off and on.  We have a lot of common friends but we don’t really hang out on a regular basis back at university.  That said, one night, I was out with some friend when she told me to join her at a bar.  I brought some other friends.  I walked her home that night and ended up sleeping with her.  We talked a bunch since but never repeated or hung out again.

Since graduation, we’ve been trying to get something together to spend time together but something has always come up.  Tonight I planned a movie night and cooked dinner – both very simple things…. until you add in my flatmates.  They and some of their friends were here tonight and that just threw things off.  She was really happy, loved the meal and seemed to be enjoying herself but soon after the movie ended she got up and said she needed to bolt.  We made out in the hallway before she left and made plans to do lunch and something over the weekend.

What is throwing me off is that she just got up and left.  It was as if she got a call and needed to leave or something.  It seemed out of character for the night.  The funny thing is that Zoomie made me a sex mix last night and I was totally ready to bump that in the apartment.  Too bad it didn’t happen tonight – maybe this weekend?  Jersey is coming up Friday, we’ll see where that goes.

Women make things complicated… TIMBURRRRRR

Smoot is a smart girl but I’m not sure how it’s going to work out for her.  She has a very interesting mix of confidence and insecurity.  She doesn’t mind speaking up or telling you that you’re wrong when trying to help her but she approaches everything seeming to assume she has failed.  I don’t understand it at all but then again, it’s not really up to me to worry about it.  Everyone here at The Man is on their own.

The Man seems to be an interesting firm.  I’m not sure if all global consultancies are like this place.  Sometimes I stop and wonder whether I am still in college or whether I’m a real professional.  I say this because there is a ton of structure… if you reach for it.  What I mean is that we have support services, counselors, reps, mentors and all the rest but it’s very hands off.  You are expected to know how to hit the ground running from day one but the instruction manual for that is sitting behind the corporate firewall that you don’t have login credentials to yet.

We have two more weeks in Boston before we launchies are sent to Battle School for two weeks of training.  I promise that will be a great place for stories as we work in our ‘toons and train for the final battle.  Back to class I go. Ender’s Game – Orson Scott Card

But who am I?  I’m your lovable lumberjack – a mix of technogeek and mountain man.  I work for a large corporation.  I recently graduated from a leading business school and now live in Boston.  You’ll be looking at all the geeky men with some build now wondering… is that BLJ? For those that didn’t get the transition, I’m calling myself BLJ since Binary Lumberjack is too much work to type most of the time.

Starting work in the “real world” has been interesting… very interesting actually.  Lots of training and computer based learning… actually that’s just a whole bunch of boring.  So what did I do?  I started Binary Lumberjack and now you’re here… reading… wondering who is this mysterious casanova of digital manliness.  I am the lumberjack.